Against all odds, polls and nicely paid pundits, Trumpman has done the impossible. Having double-chokeslammed Cruz and Kasich through a flaming table in Indiana, ending their campaigns, what's a human to do about The Don?
Think about it. A former reality star could become this country's 45th Big Cheese. A man who demonizes immigrants, women and 7/11's nationwide. Someone who knows nothing about balancing national budgets. Or the Ku-Klux Klan's leadership.
You're stressin,' We get it. We got you, though. There are four things you can do to cope now that El Don is a contender to the White House Heavyweight Championship. We have them below!
4.Kill Trump Supporters With Trump Steaks: With his trademark boisterous flair, Donald Trump ventured into selling cooked cow corpses in 2007 with "Trump Steaks." The proclaimed, "World's Greatest Steaks" debuted with endless sizzle, and apparently no taste, collapsing two months later.
"Trump Steaks" reached national discussion again when Trump paraded them (and his other business fails) after winning Michigan and Mississippi in March. We're sure the remaining ones are locked up somewhere, aging badly alongside Trump Vodka, Trump Toupees, Trump Cologne and Trump YUUUGE Condoms.
To all who want to feel better about Trump being the nominee, here's something to do. Go find the den of evil where the remaining "Trump Steaks" lay, put them on a stick and feed them to the Rust Belt mutants who plaster "Make America Great Again!" on their trailers. We hear the steaks are made of pink slime and dog foot medicine, so they're probably lethal today.
3.Leave Feces On Trump Towers: You know when your dog releases orange turds after you feed it those ultra-organic doggie biscuits? Grab him, a few friends with their own mutts, more of those biscuits and repeat the process tenfold on Trump Towers property in Columbus Circle. Then, with gloves, organize the stuff into a giant middle finger. Call it a creative art protest-the First Amendment should cover that.
2. Move To Canada (For Realz This Time): Great news if you're still considering this! Not only will Canada accept you unpatriotic expats, but this site will hook you up with a Canuck of your choosing, with genitalia matching whatever yours are sexually attracted to.
1. Realize That Cruz-And Co-Were No Better: Trump is a sickening, gutter racist, pukingly sexist trashole. But Ted Cruz was also a sickening, gutter racist, pukingly sexist trashole.
For every Trump edict to deport all Muslims, we raise you Cruz saying he'd patrol their communities. Each Trump snipe at a woman's physical features can find its counterpart in a Cruz hymen joke. They're mirror images....if the mirrors were in some creepy funland in Nowheresville. BTW, Kasich sucks too
Lump in Hillary's Superpredator fetish and Bernie's pro-war record along other things, and something becomes clear. None of these cats were better than Trump! So why don't we just say, "Screw em all!" and sort out all this horrible stuff in the world ourselves? On second thought, naw-that's anarchism! And that's crazy talk. Carry on.