You see a lot of what New Yorkers characterize as "Only in New York" stuff when your income includes pushing them through tunnels in metallic, 600-volt powered snakes. There's the man at the platform's end, naked from the bottom down, holding his feces-smelling pants while gazing at your arriving train.
The disturbed woman flopping around like a fish as you pull into 23rd St on the IND 8th Avenue Line. Only to realize she was the same woman you saw flopping around on the 14 St 8 Ave catwalk the day before. The rats bring their own stories, which I won't post here....yet. Shoutouts to el hombre who pulled the emergency brake cord on my train a few months ago to free his sister from its lights. Hope you ran into her chilling with Tupac.
But to me, arguably the most "Only In NY" expression I've heard down here isn't one borne of trademark oddity. It's rather plain; likely you've already said it as (presumably) a New Yorker (skip this part if that doesn't apply to you), in train-related conversation of some sort with a "train operator" during your daily routines.
It kinda goes like this: "You drive the train? Oh, so you're a conductor, right?" And upon initial glance, it sounds silly. But when given a neater, fine tooth-combed inspection, it actually makes a lotta sense! Because of course, the train operators or engineers on these rarin' locomotives do absolutely nothing. The conductors are the ones who move the actual train!
I'm just the guy who happens to be in the front this whole time, coolin' and playing my Thomas The Tank Engine fantasies in my head, while the conductor drives. I mean, sure, he's in the train's middle and whatnot. But that is surely no problem back there; they probably have some see through vision goggles left over from Rick and Morty's machinations. Carry on.
Don't believe this is a widespread phenomenon? Let's roll the tape with some examples from your favorite online millennial haunts
From the lovely dudebros over at Reddit:
Question for MTA conductors?
Are you guys just making it up when you say another train is directly behind the one you're driving?
(Since my conductors are all too busy operating trains at the exact moment I'm typing this sentence, I'll take the liberty of answering this on their behalf: Of course they are! They're nothing but TFL's-- Total Fucking Liars. I mean, there's no possible way that operating on rapid fire headways on the Queens corridor during the morning rush, there's another train right behind theirs. Especially with CBTC going live over there.)
Also, while we're on this topic, a special mention goes to Gothamist, which is personally my favorite mix of Village Voice-esque snark and punchy headlines, delivered in a fact-filled, saucy ass martini. They're the only media outlet I'm going to leave out of my crosshairs, because they, for sure, know what's really up with how trains operate and...
GOOD GOD what is this s**t right here???!!!
Video: Train Conductor Saves Man Who Was Under F Train - Gothamist
"At least 31 people have been killed in subway-related incidents so far in 2013—but last night, one man was saved from that fate when a fast-thinking train CONDUCTOR was able to stop an F train before it crushed him. "Had she not miraculously spotted this man unconscious underneath the platform edge, had she not immediately stopped the train, and had she not jumped out and talked him through staying still as he slowly regained consciousness, he'd be dead for sure," Angel "ARodomus" Rodriguez told us."
It's...correct beyond belief! Like I said above, and will reiterate here... the conductor actually does operate the train; train OPERATORS, just front like we do anything of merit. So thanks for the accuracy! By the way, folks, ignore the nimrod source's words in that article's comment section. Allegedly, he's saying that it was the train operator who stopped the train, and he made a mistake when getting his info.
Posh. Pal, you were right the first time! And don't you forget it.
Now, in the course of all this fun we're having showing how useless train operators are, we need to inject some seriousness into this. Last March, one of those button pushers died saving his passengers from a fire at the 110th Street Station on the 2 line. Garrett Goble--a hero who gave his life so others could live--left behind a wife and two children. It's one of the few examples of train operators actually working, though it ended horribly. Sounds like a stand-up guy, right? Someone who deserves only the highest honors possible.
With that said, it's only natural that reporting on Goble's death would get the info correct as a train operator who doesn't operate the train. Well, take a looky here, here, and here. They even had the decency to mention that it was two conductors who evacuated passengers. No need to even use the word "train operator."
What a beautiful, totally accurate way to honor Goble. Who apparently was in reality a certified conductor who moved the train from its midsection...not those useless train operators wasting space right by the sealed beams ahead.
But wait...we have more examples incoming proving conductors really power all trains and have to do the leg work for these pathetic operators.
Let's throw a little Simpsons here. A pinch of some random company there. And for ish and giggles, some tape from a man unfortunately named Doug McCue.
You get the idea. I was crazy to ever think the nine some odd months I spent becoming a "train operator" were really me emphasizing my relative unimportance in train operations in comparison to the conductor's duties. At least, according to all these experts.
But know something? Either way, I'm proud I get to be a waste of space on such a lovely vehicle. So yes, in long winded conclusion: conductors DO drive the train. Train operators....do not a damn thing.
Caso Cerrado, as Telemindo would say.
Credit for picture goes to amNew York