Since he entered the race as an independent, "Deez Nuts" has captivated his state. Almost one in ten Iowan voters have ranked him higher than The Donald and Hilary.
But why? How could a virtual unknown, straight from the cornfields, quickly overtake such seasoned competitors? After much bi-partisan bickering, we came up with five reasons "Deez Nuts" could be on his way to the RNC-and the White House.
5. 90's Throwback: Because Warren G backs him (We're guessing his super producer, woman-beating stepbrother does as well).
4. He's A Bastion For Safe Sex: We can conclude from his name that "Deez Nuts" is a seasoned bedroom pro who always plays it safe. No chance those nuts feature any HIV-positive semen! Therefore, he'll focus his campaign on ensuring our youth have free access to every contraceptive out there. Not to mention, monthly gonad exams at every high school for our young, developing boys. What better candidate for the job than someone who makes sure our kids are humping one another as safely as possible?
3. Complete Sense Of Humor: Whoever combined their nuts with a random vagina to birth "Deez Nutz" into the world obviously has a knack for yuk-yuks. And of course, said anonymous person (Thingy? Creature?) passed his trademark humor to his testicular offspring.
Therefore we know"Deez Nuts" can tickle our funnybones, And because Ronald Regan would've never seized D.C. without his TV monkey, the road to the American Presidency includes making as many potential voters laugh as possible.
2. His Offspring: Even if voters end up disenfranchised by "Deez Nuts'" campaign, he has one ace in the hole. Apparently, there are quite a few people in America with his name sake, including this guy. There's no way "Deez Nuts'" extended family members will let him slip into political abyss. Should potential constituents be lured by Trump's mouthy arrogance, expect a plethora of "ballsy" folks storming the booths for their kin in upcoming polls.
1. Honesty Is His Greatest Policy: "Deez Nuts" might become president simply because he's the most honest candidate. Only someone who would jump into a race for "Leader Of The Free World" without changing his obscene government name is as truthful as they come.
How many politicians have changed their names before entering the political arena? (we're looking at you, Piyush) On that note, how can we ensure Ted Cruz's name really is Ted Cruz? He wasn't even born in this country! Hell, he might not even be a biological male, for all we know. "Deez Nuts" would never pull something like that.
We got a chance to peep "Deez Nuts"platform. And while we're side-eyeing his illegal immigration and job creation stances, we love him for being authentic.
We'll be sure to register to vote for him in Iowa. Or maybe send one of our interns to do it. We don't know, we don't really vote like that.
Credit for picture goes to http://www.okayplayer.com/news/deez-nuts-for-president-dr-dre-warren-g.html