One: Despite recent accusations-his penis has never entered any human besides his wife since their marriage began.
Two: He may or may not have stuck that same Latin Canadian moose stick in certain, non-human furry creatures during (or before) that marriage.
Creatures whose names certainly were not Donald J. Trump.
You see, folks, Ted Cruz has spent much of these last few days defending his wife from his rival's attacks. Not to mention, putting his dukes up against those infidelity allegations.
And during that heroic fight Friday, Mr. Cruz gave us a possible hint about his erotic kinks.
Simply put, "Donald Trump may be a rat, but I have no desire to copulate with him."
Hold up a damn second. We at HD in Effect dug a bit deeper into these comments.
With context, Cruz was apparently referring to Roger Stone, a long time Trump associate notorious for mad shady shit-termed in his honor as "ratfucking-"and someone he suspects worked with Yuuugeman on the scandal story.
Mmm, yes. But let's say we remove this context for a second. What if Cruz was literally into fucking rats not named Donald J. Trump? Rats named Donatello? Or Michelangelo? Or Shredder?
Does he not know he can simply come up north for his rodent fornication fix? The Seventh Avenue- 53rd Street station in Midtown would gladly offer him free rat vagina. Hell, they'd probably even throw in a discount on their Starter Orgy set. We hear they only charge half a nickel for a good rat job.
Even better, because they're a totally different species, God won't frown on these extramarital activities. It would be such a win-win situation. If there was truth to it, of course.
We have to imagine, if Mr. Cruz does secretly get his rocks off inside women rats not named Donald J. Trump, does that mean he's a Bi-Species Sexual?
Does he have secret rat babies crawling around the country with weird things coming out their mouths? Rat babies that start every day "on their knees" in the offset chance they feel like running to become the first human-rat hybrid Commanders In Chiefs of The United States Of America?
National Enquirer, are you non-rat fuckers listening?
Credit for picture goes to http://gawker.com/tag/ted-cruz