2016, 2016, 2016 to the 2016th degree...times 3. It's almost like 2012 said to itself, "Man, I'm gonna postpone my apocalypse for this world until the next year the Olympics happen. And I'm gonna paint the world ORANGE. But they'll never see how that ORANGE will hit them."
Notable Deaths 'a plenty came. Prince, Muhammad Ali, David Bowie, Alan Rickman, Fidel Castro, Carrie Fisher, Debbie Reynolds and George Michael-all forced to shed their sexy exteriors permanently. The world cried doves.
A psycho rapist hopeful took over the Philippines. His win inspired ORANGE Fever over here. A senior citizen socialist galvanized a Millennial movement. A pantsuited politician tried wooing Americans with her hot sauced pandering, and lost to an even more pandering ORANGE.
So. Much. ORANGE. (That's gonna be a recurring theme in this list, BTW.)
10. Famous Deaths (Not So Epic): Anybody, who's like, worth listening to or emulating cashed in their bodies this year. Alan Rickman, Arnold Palmer , Gene Wilder, Castro, Prince, Ali. People who gave you years of diabetic inducing sugar iced teas, hallmark internet memes, death punches and sultry-skinned falsettos, all wrapped up in one pop culture pulsating caboodle in that list.
Our EIC may be a Satan worshiper; therefore, he's not sure if these guys are all chilling on pillow clouds above, while Big and Pac rap their 10th straight collabo album since heading there themselves 20 years ago.
So in lieu of a Rest In Peace, we;ll just leave a simple, "Bosses never die" plaque somewhere in our offices. No, you can't see it.
9. Hulk Hogan Drops An Atomic Leg On Gawker For The 1-2-3 (Epic): Let us tell you HD in Effectites somethin', brother! Hulkamania scored an huge legal win over those nasty reporters at Gawker this year, for publishing that lame tape of the Hulkster banging his (former) best friend's wife on camera, dudes.
When Hulk's busy sexing up other women, with his 24-inch pythons grabbing on for dear life, he DOESN'T WANT THAT SHIT PUT ONLINE! And when Hogan filed that suit, got the hot tag from Peter Thiel's lawyers, and dropped that atomic leg on Gawker, what else came out, but a cool $115 million in compensatory damages, plus $60 million in emotional damages? That's a lot of coin, brothers.
And yeah, Hogan's leg drop only got $31 million outta the deal, after that referee looked at the replay. But, brothers, justice has been served. Gawker had to file bankruptcy and go the way of Clubber Lang after Rocky 3. Now, thanks to brother Thiel, Hogan can go back to finger pointing, screaming at street randoms,"WHATCHA GONNA DO??!!" and rubbing oil on his daughter's ass. No word on whether or not he's gonna give Vinne Mac a call for that WWE money though.
8. Harambe Dies (Not So Epic): Gorillas and kids usually don't mix well. Save for a Super Smash Bros.Donkey Kong and NES tag team. Or these guys and your mildly autistic cousin
Anyways, while Cousin James does his daily ritual of counting every number to infinity, check it.
Harambe the Gorilla probably would loved the humans to give him chill in May, when a 3-year-old unsupervised boy accidentally fell into his enclosure at a Cincinnati Zoo. Seeing as the primate wasn't used to close homosapien contact, he began running round his crib, dragging the youth by his leg.
That forced a zoo official to 86 the beast. And #GorillaLivesMatter began trending. But was this fair at all? Harambe, and his animal breadren, were forced into these boxes for paying people to thrown popcorn at 'em and serve up snark faces to boot. Maybe next time, people who wanna see animals should actually go see them in their natural habitats. Or a protected enclosure. Whichever one creates the next Instagram moment first.
7. Kanye's Fake Crazy (Not So Epic): Perhaps nobody demonstrated #2016trollingoals better than Kanye West.
We all assumed he was off his socially-conscious rocker when he stanned for All. That. ORANGE at a recent concert and begged Gloria Carter's most talented child to not send killers after him. Then he cancelled his Life of Pablo tour, went 5150 and needed treatment for depression, and #prayforkanye took off. Then..he got out. Then he went to New York City to stan for All. That. ORANGE in person. So maybe he's not el loco--and this was a stunt to get folks to cop Yeezys by the pound to fund his struggle $50 milli debt.
6. Ronda Rousey's Career Dies (Not So Epic): What in Zeus' name happened to Ronda Rousey? The beastette who demolished the UFC women's division, leaving broken arms and dreams in her wake, never fully recovered from Holly Holm caving in her head at UFC 193. And taking a year off to prepare for the division's new badass-Amanda Nunes-at UFC 207 didn't help. Not only did Ronda lose again, she lost in damn near the same manner-trading blows with a striker, and ignoring her Judo game. Only this time, she caught straight hands instead of straight feet. Oh, did we mention she lost in 48 seconds? Welp.
5. Second Avenue Subway Opens On Time (Epic): The impossible just became possible, as the Second Avenue Subway-or at least the first phase un-officially opened on December 31 (The official public opening was January 1st.)
Yes, it's only three stations. Yes, the $4.5 billion price tag would've gone much farther in other big cities. Yes, it took 10 years after this groundbreaking. But after waiting 97 in total, the sheer fact that this happened is nothing short of a miracle. Praise baby Jesus.
4. Red Hackers Bleed Orange (Not So Epic): Allegedly some race in a land where being black is a crime and being a woman is a biological mistake, featuring a Democratic socialist, Pantsuit Patty and ORANGE...happened this year. We'll get to the results of that election later. But for now, let's give a hand to Mother Russia. Per the CIA, Putin's cronies helped hack the DNC, releasing some pretty damning emails about Pantsuit Patty that cost her dearly in her battle against ORANGE. For that, and the ORANGE ish soon to come our way, the Kremlin notches a spot on our list.
3. Rodrigo Duterte Steals The Philippines (Not So Epic): We said earlier this year that Rodrigo Duterte's strong lead in the Philippines' presidential elections in 2016 was unbreakable proof that ORANGE could win over here. And sure enough, the guy who's compared himself to Hitler, wants to kill every drug user in his country, and wishes he'd been first to rape a woman is now in power. And of course, he and ORANGE are the bestest of friends. Probably trying t one-up each other in how evil they can possibly be. Whelp.
2. ORANGE wins the American primaries (Not So Epic): Back here in America, a wave of ORANGE swept our presidential elections-with that shade overpowering the entire Republican electorate at the RNC in summer. Some hoped Lyin' Ted would pull out the W. Or maybe the 1-in-38 Kasich engine would become the machine to take the lead. But in the end, ORANGE overcame, and headed to his final showdown with Pantsuits. Which leads us to our No 1 thing in 2016.
1. ORANGE takes White House (Not So Epic): This wasn't supposed to happen. Every poll, every pundit, every normal human said Pantsuit was a shoe in for the White House. Voters seemed to sway in her direction Then November 8th came, and they entered the polls to do a heel turn, injecting the country with ORANGE from state to state.
An ORANGE with coiffed, hair, baboon lips, tiny hands and a personality that would make Scumbag Steve cringe invaded our towns, our cities, and our minds. He calls Mexican's criminals.
He wants to keep Muslims and brown-skindeds from entering the country. He has no idea what 7/11 is. He wants to grab women by the cat-and that didn't stop 53% of white women from choosing him. ORANGE is the closest to pure evil we've gotten in D.C. in the longest time. And we're going to suffer these next four years.
Almost nothing on the list this year was EPIC. 2016 was definitely nothing less than a straight Shakespearean tragedy. Who got dibs on whether or not 2017 can top it?
Credit for picture goes to https://usaweed.org/2016/03/05/top-10-marijuana-strains-2016/